Happy Birthday to me.......

........except, ya know, for the WORST present EVER......

Sean is dead. He killed himself. Of all days to do it, on my birthday. I know that sounds selfish, but really, any day would have been a bad choice.

He was with us Thursday night to celebrate my birthday, was supposed to meet us at the next bar but never came, and then after I was home Brisbin and I got the horrible, terrible, heart breaking news.

He's gone. Not coming back. Ever.

Nearly everyone I was ever friends with in HS got together tonight at LP's house, to remember, laugh, cheer up some, cry it out, and be around people, instead of sitting at home alone and crying. I kept thinking Sean would just show up, thought I saw him a couple of times around the corner, that grey shirt over there, maybe that was his laugh......but it wasn't.

Hearing "Oh, hey, by the way, Happy Birthday," didn't feel right. Kinda awkward. I guess that's what life is though, a string of awkward events from birth to death.

No Sean. Ever again. Now we're supposed to grieve, get it out, move on. At least that's what I say, and many others do to. But how do you do that? How do you just say, OK, he's NEVER COMING BACK. Gone. Waking up and hoping it was a bad dream can only last so long.

Sean, I miss you, I love you, and I wish you were still here.

~Hilary

Tub-A-Lub

I realized today that I'm supposed to be in the prime of things right now, with a hot bod, wearing skanky outfits and high heels because I'm 23 (2 weeks short of 24!) and that's what people my age should do, if they want. And I want.

But instead, I'm out of shape, soft in several places, and odd-shaped. The only thing going for me is that I do have a bit of natural athleticism, but what's that worth if you don't use it.

I ran yesterday, a mile, but that mile was split up with walking laps. It wasn't too bad, I made it, but all I can think is that I would be about to run a half-marathon in Miami if I hadn't dropped that goal thanks to coaching/work/school. A half-marathon, 2 days after my 24th birthday. Instead, I'll be a has-been high school cheerleader coaching current high school cheerleaders at Conference. (Not gonna lie, I do love coaching.)

I walk next to this intensely gorgeous, super in-shape, amazing boyfriend, and he walks next to to a jiggly ass teetering around on high heels, in ill-fitting skanky outfits.

Things need to change. They will.

The dress I bought for NYE09 WILL be worn this August, when Jake and I go to Portland for vacation.

I'm a bit sore from yesterday's workout #1, but after this episode of Sex and the City, I'm gonna do it again.

~Hilary

'09 started off with a couple of bummers......

First bummer: The Big Easy closed. I've heard a few reasons why, but I don't know what's true and what's not. Bottom line, my favorite bar shut down.

Ok, so there are several other bars in Y-town, but I don't like any of them, really.

Kendall Pub: eew, way too Naperville-ish, and drinks are waaaayy over-priced.
Legends: The attending clientele makes me SICK; stupid idiot yuppies.
Rascal's: I've heard so many stories about fights and cops there, I'll just avoid it
Fanatics: Most promising, but I've got to suss it out some more. Still pretty new, but I can already tell it's no Big Easy
Every other bar in Yorkville: old folk, not my style just yet

So, that's a bummer. I'm going to miss dollar draft nights.

The other bummer was today: Jake left to head back to MC for track. Since he has track every weekend and I have games every damn weekend, I won't be free to head down there for like 2 damn months.

So today REALLY sucked. He left. And I cried.

Now I'm watching Sex and the City, total CRAP, but that's the mood I am in.

I NEED to stop with the meat.....

I was meat-free for 51 weeks.....yes, just one week short of a full year. At Corn Fest in September, I hoovered pork-on-a-stick, chicken, walking tacos, etc.

wtf.

I'm not sure if it's because I've been lazy, or living at home makes it tough to control the food that ends up here in the house, but I do know that even my parents have tried to get veg-friendly stuff here. SO WTF?

I'm starting fresh. Forget it, it's not a resolution, it's just gonna happen. I was much happier NOT eating flesh, even if it tastes effing fantastic sometimes.

Our animal brethren are NOT for eating, they are for petting. I will stop.

~Hilary